My New Thing

Well, I have decided to change this blog up a bit. Or a lot. My last semester of college I took a clothing construction class aka sewing. I had always wanted to take this class. Mainly I wanted to learn how to make a skirt that was long enough for my legs and dresses that actually fit. 

Our first project was pajamas. Easy, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. It was so hard. I messed up with the serger and cut the fabric, I did the double needle hem the wrong way so I had to unpick it (and for anyone who's had to do that knows it's the worst). My waistband was a complete mess and they ended up being too small it the bum region. I don't even know how that happens with pajamas. But despite all the things that went wrong I was SO proud of myself. I had made something. And something I could wear. In the privacy of my own home.

Well, the other projects we did were similar is the fact that they were difficult but I did improve. And I knew I had to keep sewing cause I loved it so much. So when graduation came around I asked my mom if we still had the $40 sewing machine we bought at Walmart and kept in the garage for 8 years and, lo and behold, we did! And because my parents are wonderful they let me have it. And though the bobbin winder doesn't work anymore and sometimes it freaks out it works and has taught me a lot the past year.

So, I'm at the point now where I want to keep learning. But the opportunities are limited to someone who has lots of student loans to pay. So, I need a way to keep myself accountable with my own self teaching. And that's where this blog comes in.

This will become my new sewing blog. I know no one will probably read it but it will help me as I'm trying to learn how to do all these crazy things I want to do. I most likely won't be doing tutorials or anything but maybe someone will come across this and think, "hey, I think I could actually try that!" And then we will have even more people hooked on sewing. Success.

Anyways, stay tuned for my current project: the swimsuit. 

Just a little note

 I want to tell you guys a story.


I'm currently a counselor at the Especially For Youth program, or EFY. This program is centered around the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and is focused on bringing youth to Christ. This program is a blast, with gospel classes and devotionals, but also with dances and games and just going crazy. As a counselor I am pretty much in charge of a group of girls for the 5 days of the camp. I get them up in the morning, try and get them to go to sleep at night, have to walk with them pretty much everywhere they go. We also team up with the guy counselors and their group of boys to create a company. So for 5 days I and one(or 2) other counselors are in charge of 24 kids, preparing lessons and leading games and having to be super fun and cool to 14 year olds every minute. It's a physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually demanding job but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Well, my first week as a counselor was a little rough. I had a week of training prior and thought I was ready to go! Monday was good for a first day. Met my girls, who seemed really sweet, met up with my co-counselors who are awesome, and didn't forget anything too vital. I was exhausted but thought things went well. Tuesday was a different story.

I woke up feeling like I was the lowest of the low and honestly didn't know why. All day I kept fighting with these terrible feelings, telling myself there was no reason for me to feel that way and snap out of it. But after hours of trying to push it away I finally snapped.

I went to dinner in the university's cafeteria we were staying at and lost the girls I went with in the shuffle of kids. After trying to find people I knew I gave up, ate a plate of the first thing I grabbed, then ran into the bathrooms to cry. I cried silently in the stall for about 15 minutes. I felt completely inadequate to be a counselor for these girls, I wasn't connecting with them, I didn't know why I was there, I felt so alone and helpless, there was no one I could turn to. I ended up deciding I'd get through the week, quit and find another job.  I wasn't needed there and I wasn't good enough to to be there.

I pulled myself together and got ready to meet with the company before the dance. As I opened the door I saw a piece of paper left on the sink right across from where I had been. it said, "I'm sorry for whatever is going on. But I want to tell you God loves you," written in the hand writing of a young teenage girl.

As soon as I read that note I again started crying. But this time it was out of happiness. In that moment I knew without a doubt that God loved me. He knew me. He had heard me, a 22 year old girl, crying in the bathroom. He loved me so much that He prompted a 14 year old girl to leave a note in the bathroom, a note that changed me. I know God knows who I am and loves and will help me and support me through everything, even my weak moments.

After that moment everything changed. I shared the experience with the youth in my group and they changed. They opened up to the counselors, they opened up to each other, and they opened up to the Spirit. The week was still hard and exhausting, but I was able to be the counselor I needed to be and witnessed incredible miracles. And it all started with that little note.

So what I want to say to you, whoever you are who somehow found this post and is reading it now, is that God knows you and He loves you. Don't ever doubt that. He is there, quietly creating miracles that may take some time to see. Have faith and hold on. Those angels will come to give you aide. Trust in your God because He is right there and He will help you through whatever comes your way.

Paris. Or China.

Today I thought to myself, "Gosh, I just want to go to Paris".

The past few days have been those that turn your life upside down and make you feel like you no longer understand anything. I thought I understood where life was going but that's always when life decides to make you uncomfortable. Thanks life.

Well, I've slowly begun to realize that whenever I'm in one of those uncomfortable spots I always start dreaming of travel. Paris. London. Austria. Italy. My new one is China.

Last summer I took a 12 day trip to Europe and it was the greatest thing ever. But now that I look back on it I realize that the driving force behind my buying the plane ticket was so I could forget. I wanted to forget Provo. I wanted to forget work. I wanted to forget dumb boys and family stress and my extreme lack of finances. So I went to Paris and it was awesome. I came back with my eyes opened to the world and the want to travel everywhere.

A year later and I'm at that spot again and I want another adventure. I want to try something new, do something crazy I can't do in 10 years when I have two kids and a husband and possibly a career. I want to forget all the things that life throws at me because that's what traveling does. You realize there's a bigger world out there and that our problems, though they are huge to us, are actually pretty small in the grand scheme of things.

I mean do you realize that there are people out there that have a completely different culture, different language, different foods and means of travel. And yet they are like us. They have money concerns, family drama, lunch dates with friends, and pretty much go about life the same way as us. The world is a big place with lots of good and lots of bad, but it's pretty beautiful and just asking to be explored. I think I'm developing a travel complex.

Maybe I'll go to China this fall. Or go to Italy after I graduate. Or maybe I'll just go back to Paris so I can finally stand on top of the Eiffel Tower. (Unless there's another strike, of course). I'm just in the mood to go somewhere different. Life is asking me to change directions an what better way to do that then change location. I really have developed a travel complex.

A little bit of saddness and a little bit of joy

This is going to seem like a random post, and I apologize. But for the one person who will read this, I promise there's a good reason.

Sometimes I get sad. There's just a lot of sadness in the world. But lately I've been thinking about the sorrow that can come from other people's actions. Not actions directed at you, but actions those you love and care about are taking that is hurting themselves. And they don't even see it.

That is just something that has always made me so sad. And it's not like a "let me cry about my feelings" sad, it's this deep sorrow for them, like a dull pain by seeing this slow spiral downward and knowing it's not up to you to change them.

Being in college I've seen things like this a lot. High school classmates going off the deep end, college friends who lose their way, others who struggle with depression or addictions or just plain loneliness. And that makes me hurt sometimes. I just want to run forward and tell them how they can be happy, how they can change, how they can stop spiraling down. But that's not my job. I can't change them. It's not my life to live. We all have agency to make our own decisions despite the opinions our parents, siblings, peers, or coworkers.

And now it's become very personal. A friend who is blind to something everyone else can see. A friend who has put themselves in a dark place. And the saddest thing is they think that is happiness when everyone who loves them is crying inside at the loss of a wonderful and happy person.

But it's not up to me. It's not up to anyone else. It's up to them. And those people who are lost, those people who seem like they jumped off the cliff and will never get back up, those people still have hope. There's still light available to them, they just need to see it. I know people can change. I know that with my whole heart. I have seen miracles happen in the lives of so many people, people who seemed to be gone for good. But in all of those circumstances it was there decision. They all one day found God and decided to come back to Him.

I'm not saying not to comfort those that need it. I'm not saying to turn your back on the wounded or disregard the pain of another. Please be there. Please be kind. Please love. But don't think you can change them, because you can't. Only you can change yourself. Allow God to work in others lives, just as He has worked in yours. And if you don't believe that, then try to see it. I promise you His hand is there waiting.

I don't want to end with this sadness, so I'm going to talk about some joy. I know that God lives. I know that God loves. I know that He is always there, whether we like it or not. He will never stop trying to bring us back to Him. That is all He cares about. He doesn't care about our past, our mistakes and our missteps. Christ covered those for a reason- to bring us back home. This knowledge is he greatest joy I have, and it's enough to wipe away any sorrow.

My Thoughts on the "Ordain Women" Movement

Before I get into what I really want to talk about, I need to say a little bit. First, I am a single 21 year old woman living in Utah. I'm a senior in college studying sociology with a business and visual arts minor(very random, I know). I claim to be a feminist  and am very passionate about how women are portrayed and treated in the world today. I am also a member of the LDS faith, have been my whole life, and know it to be true. 

With that quick little foundation of who I am, I'll get to the issue that I find to be a truly sacred topic. I don't know if people outside of the LDS church know, but over the past year or so there has been an increase in the “Ordain Women” movement within the LDS church. With General Conference right around the corner there has been a lot of emphasis on this subject. Today I was reading a blog post of a working LDS woman who shared her views on the different roles of men and women. I thought it was a well written article describing the differences between men and women, but then I got to the comments. As I scrolled down I was saddened by the amount of hurtful comments given on both sides. There was an attacking air in many of them, or even a holier-than-thou perspective. But the one comment that hit me was that from a woman not of the LDS faith. She said that after reading the posts/comments she was utterly grateful that she was raised in a different church where people respected the ideas of another, whether they be right or wrong. This comment made me think about how I would respond to her and to the other comments and questions left. As I pondered I began to see how the language we are using to discuss this issue is leading to a lot of miscommunication and is adding fuel to the fire of this already heated issue. I wanted to throw in my views and address some of the things that, from what I've seen, are being worded in ways that put both sides on the defensive.

For those who don't know what I am even talking about, there are many women and some men of the LDS church who believe that women have the right to bear the Priesthood, the power of God given to men. These members believe it is unfair that only men are allowed to hold the Priesthood. They state that women have the same capacity as men do to exercise this power and want to change the inequality they feel is part of this church. To this I simply call back to Prophets and Apostles who have made many statements to this point. Men and women are different and have different roles to fulfill. Men hold the Priesthood and women bear children. These are separate but equal eternal roles.

Now, here is what I believe is becoming part of this issue. As I read through the comments on this blog post, there were many who's explanations said things that seemed to be based in gender roles created by society. This was one of the key points of the comments attacking this article, saying that men and women are all different but equal and those who do not support the Ordain Women movement are basing their opinions on society created ideas. It was said that there are some women who have more masculine characteristics and some men who are more feminine. Yes, women are traditionally mothers, but isn't fatherhood equal to motherhood? Is it really the church's right to say women are barred from holding the priesthood power?

As a studying sociologist I see the words 'gender role' and instantly get defensive. I do believe society sets standards for each gender that, whether right or wrong, are engrained in us. It changes the way we think, the way we talk, and the way we act. Therefore, it is understandable that this has become another issue to attack at within this broader conflict. 

What it really comes down to is men and women are different. That is something that is not based in man-made gender roles. Out of the two genders, women are the only ones that are able to create and bear children. Yes, it is necessary that a man is involved and fathers are vital to a child's development, but it comes down to the woman to carry that child for 9 months and give birth. Essentially, women are the only ones that can give life. Men aren't able do that. They can help raise their children and be there for them, but they are not the creators of life. This is not a gender role created by society, that is something that just is. 

Now, as is told by the prophets and apostles, men are the only ones that hold the priesthood. We don't fully understand why but it has been revealed to us by God that men are the ones to hold this Priesthood. Just as women are the only ones to bring mortal life, men are the only ones that can bring the eternal. That seems to be demeaning towards women. Men, through the priesthood, are the ones that bring eternal life which, as we are taught, is the reason for coming to this earth. Are women really so worthless in God's eyes that they can't have the power to give that to their children? The answer is no. Eternal life is our goal, however it is completely unattainable without the mortal life. And mortal life, in turn, is worth nothing without the eternal. Just as mothers work with fathers to raise their children, the men work with women to help exercise the Priesthood. It is a cycle that needs both men and women in order to complete. These are not roles set by society, or by the church, but roles set by God. 

None of this means that we aren't different. This doesn't mean that some men can't have more feminine qualities or be stay at home dads. It also doesn't mean that women can't be more masculine or be the breadwinner for the family. It also doesn't mean we aren't allowed to question and seek for answers. We are all separate and unique individuals with different opinions and ideas. Our church was created because of a question. But the roles we have do not change with society, culture, or personalities. We don't have the answer as to why only men can hold the priesthood- it just is. But is just the same for women. Why are only women blessed to create human life? It just is. God made it that way, and if we believe in God we will trust Him.

Music

It's been a long time. My computer decided to not charge since coming back from Europe and I always feel guilty when I do something other than homework on school computers. But don't worry, I got a brand spanking new charger and life is good.

Anyways, I just quickly want to write about something I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's something I've always known but want to actually just put into words for the whole world to read(though I know I'm probably the only person to ever read this post. That's ok, I've come to terms with it). Well, this something is the power of music.

Music has always been a big part of my life. I grew up to the Beach Boys and the Rolling Stones. At 6 I started playing the piano. I sang in church choir at 12 and became the accompanist at the end of middle school, which was good move since singing is not my forte. Music is something I have always found peace in. Some of my most poignant memories have to do with music. I still remember the first time I ever recognized Guns n' Roses on the radio(I was sitting in the parking lot of Blockbuster with my dad and "Paradise City" came on. He turned up the radio and said, "Emma, this is Guns n' Roses." A life changing moment I will never forget). I remember the times I sang to Neon Trees with my roommates, or "It's Raining Men" with my guy friends. I remember listening to "Glitter in the Air" and crying because my boyfriend broke up with me, singing(or yelling) "Delayed Devotion" the next day. I remember when Br. Clema sang "Be Still My Soul" at a time when life seemed so unsure, and when Alyssa sang "Abide With Me, Tis Eventide" and my heart seemed to sing with her.

The older I've gotten the more fascinated with music and why those moments are some I will always remember. It's not just because I love it, but because everyone loves it. I mean, can you think of anyone that doesn't like at least some form of music? I've never met a soul. I don't think they exist. And here's why I think that. Music is something that does not come from this world. It is a heavenly power that humans crave because of the power is holds. Somehow a sheet of music is able to convey an emotion that we can't describe in words.

Have you ever wondered why we like listening to sad music during hard times? It's because that song seems to understand you. It is a comfort because, as you listen, you know you are not alone. You are not the only one to ever feel that way. It is real and true. It's the same during the happy times, when you blast the party music and just sing and dance! Music allows us to convey our feelings without speaking. You don't have to speak because it's all right there in that song. It justifies our emotions and helps us know they actually exist. That's why those moments stick out to me.

 I find this to be an incredible thing. I can't think of anything else on this earth that has this kind of power. I think that's one reason why every religion has music. It is a way we can convey our feelings about God in a way normal words cannot express. It is a way to rejoice and praise Him, a way that can be more powerful than mortal speech. I am not going to diminish the power of a testimony. Truth shared with the Spirit is the most powerful thing on the earth. But music can be a way to share that truth and a way to touch the hearts of those who may not feel the words.

I don't really know why I wanted to share my thoughts on this, but I've been thinking about it for quite awhile. Music is powerful. It is amazing and wonderful and truly a blessing. I don't know what the world would be like without music, but I know it would not be as beautiful.

My quarter-life crisis

 

Ok, so I've been thinking a lot about my life the past little bit. Ever since coming home from Europe(holy cow, did I just say that?) I've been wondering if the future I have planned for myself is right. Is it even good? Am I just dumb thinking I can do all that I want and be alright? What if there's something I completely missed and now I'm doing something that I shouldn't be? I mean, there's a big wide world out there and I'm working in the Cougareat! What am I doing with my life?

As you can tell, every once in awhile I think too much and my brain goes crazy. But I always have something to bring me back. This time it was by talking to Nancy, who is basically my second mom. I haven't seen her in 3 years and she came at the right time.

We went to Yogurtland and talked about school and Europe and my life goals. We ended up sitting for 3 hours in the car outside my apartment, talking about everything. That talk helped reaffirm all that I want to do in life. I have decided that i need to write this down so hat if I have another life crisis I can remember what it's all about.

What I want to do in life is work with youth and help them see how much they are loved. In my opinion, the problems in this world can be solved just by loving each other. I know that sounds cheesy and simple but just think about it. If we just loved each other we would be more understanding of one another, we would look past cultural or religious differences, we would not hurt each other physically or emotionally, we would see each other as we are and as we can become.

When I think about my teenage years I am saddened by how down I was about life. We all know this. 15 years old are plagued by this idea that no one understands them and that they know everything. I don't know if that could ever change but I do know that, in my life, once I realized I was loved I found hope.

Now don't get me wrong, my parents loved me to no end. They were always there for me and I completely took that for granted. But because of other circumstances that occurred in my life I felt like no one would care if I just disappeared. There was one night when I seriously contemplated running away. I angrily thought, "No one would miss me if I just left!" And then I heard a voice in my head say, "I will miss you." That is the one and only time I have literally heard the voice of the Spirit. I knew in that moment that I had a Father in Heaven that loved me and wanted me, a 16 years girl who was being completely foolish, to know that. And that one experience changed the course of my life.

Now I know that not everyone holds the same belief system I do. But I do know that the power of love is incredible and can change lives. There are so many kids out there who were not blessed as I was to have such an amazing family. They may have parents who abuse them or who aren't even there. They might be bullied in school or are being used by those they call their friends. Or they may just feel alone and helpless. Whatever the case may be, those who feel this way will turn to other things to feel accepted. They forget who they are, they forget their potential, they forget their worth.

My goal in life is to help youth remember who they are. Even if they do not believe in God, I want them to feel His love. I want them to know they are worth it, that they have the ability to become great, that they are incredible people capable of incredible things. I want them to know that they have someone to turn to at all times. I want them to know that they have someone who will love them no matter what. Because that brings hope and that brings change and that can change their lives.

I don't know yet how I will accomplish this. I don't know where to work or where to live or even what to do. But I know that this is right. This is the one thing I am completely passionate about and the one thing that pushes me to keep learning and growing. Because if I've helped at least one kid feel their worth then I've succeeded in life.

And that is my quarter-life crisis. It was long and cheesy in some places but it's all I want.