Just a little note

 I want to tell you guys a story.


I'm currently a counselor at the Especially For Youth program, or EFY. This program is centered around the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and is focused on bringing youth to Christ. This program is a blast, with gospel classes and devotionals, but also with dances and games and just going crazy. As a counselor I am pretty much in charge of a group of girls for the 5 days of the camp. I get them up in the morning, try and get them to go to sleep at night, have to walk with them pretty much everywhere they go. We also team up with the guy counselors and their group of boys to create a company. So for 5 days I and one(or 2) other counselors are in charge of 24 kids, preparing lessons and leading games and having to be super fun and cool to 14 year olds every minute. It's a physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually demanding job but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

Well, my first week as a counselor was a little rough. I had a week of training prior and thought I was ready to go! Monday was good for a first day. Met my girls, who seemed really sweet, met up with my co-counselors who are awesome, and didn't forget anything too vital. I was exhausted but thought things went well. Tuesday was a different story.

I woke up feeling like I was the lowest of the low and honestly didn't know why. All day I kept fighting with these terrible feelings, telling myself there was no reason for me to feel that way and snap out of it. But after hours of trying to push it away I finally snapped.

I went to dinner in the university's cafeteria we were staying at and lost the girls I went with in the shuffle of kids. After trying to find people I knew I gave up, ate a plate of the first thing I grabbed, then ran into the bathrooms to cry. I cried silently in the stall for about 15 minutes. I felt completely inadequate to be a counselor for these girls, I wasn't connecting with them, I didn't know why I was there, I felt so alone and helpless, there was no one I could turn to. I ended up deciding I'd get through the week, quit and find another job.  I wasn't needed there and I wasn't good enough to to be there.

I pulled myself together and got ready to meet with the company before the dance. As I opened the door I saw a piece of paper left on the sink right across from where I had been. it said, "I'm sorry for whatever is going on. But I want to tell you God loves you," written in the hand writing of a young teenage girl.

As soon as I read that note I again started crying. But this time it was out of happiness. In that moment I knew without a doubt that God loved me. He knew me. He had heard me, a 22 year old girl, crying in the bathroom. He loved me so much that He prompted a 14 year old girl to leave a note in the bathroom, a note that changed me. I know God knows who I am and loves and will help me and support me through everything, even my weak moments.

After that moment everything changed. I shared the experience with the youth in my group and they changed. They opened up to the counselors, they opened up to each other, and they opened up to the Spirit. The week was still hard and exhausting, but I was able to be the counselor I needed to be and witnessed incredible miracles. And it all started with that little note.

So what I want to say to you, whoever you are who somehow found this post and is reading it now, is that God knows you and He loves you. Don't ever doubt that. He is there, quietly creating miracles that may take some time to see. Have faith and hold on. Those angels will come to give you aide. Trust in your God because He is right there and He will help you through whatever comes your way.

Paris. Or China.

Today I thought to myself, "Gosh, I just want to go to Paris".

The past few days have been those that turn your life upside down and make you feel like you no longer understand anything. I thought I understood where life was going but that's always when life decides to make you uncomfortable. Thanks life.

Well, I've slowly begun to realize that whenever I'm in one of those uncomfortable spots I always start dreaming of travel. Paris. London. Austria. Italy. My new one is China.

Last summer I took a 12 day trip to Europe and it was the greatest thing ever. But now that I look back on it I realize that the driving force behind my buying the plane ticket was so I could forget. I wanted to forget Provo. I wanted to forget work. I wanted to forget dumb boys and family stress and my extreme lack of finances. So I went to Paris and it was awesome. I came back with my eyes opened to the world and the want to travel everywhere.

A year later and I'm at that spot again and I want another adventure. I want to try something new, do something crazy I can't do in 10 years when I have two kids and a husband and possibly a career. I want to forget all the things that life throws at me because that's what traveling does. You realize there's a bigger world out there and that our problems, though they are huge to us, are actually pretty small in the grand scheme of things.

I mean do you realize that there are people out there that have a completely different culture, different language, different foods and means of travel. And yet they are like us. They have money concerns, family drama, lunch dates with friends, and pretty much go about life the same way as us. The world is a big place with lots of good and lots of bad, but it's pretty beautiful and just asking to be explored. I think I'm developing a travel complex.

Maybe I'll go to China this fall. Or go to Italy after I graduate. Or maybe I'll just go back to Paris so I can finally stand on top of the Eiffel Tower. (Unless there's another strike, of course). I'm just in the mood to go somewhere different. Life is asking me to change directions an what better way to do that then change location. I really have developed a travel complex.

A little bit of saddness and a little bit of joy

This is going to seem like a random post, and I apologize. But for the one person who will read this, I promise there's a good reason.

Sometimes I get sad. There's just a lot of sadness in the world. But lately I've been thinking about the sorrow that can come from other people's actions. Not actions directed at you, but actions those you love and care about are taking that is hurting themselves. And they don't even see it.

That is just something that has always made me so sad. And it's not like a "let me cry about my feelings" sad, it's this deep sorrow for them, like a dull pain by seeing this slow spiral downward and knowing it's not up to you to change them.

Being in college I've seen things like this a lot. High school classmates going off the deep end, college friends who lose their way, others who struggle with depression or addictions or just plain loneliness. And that makes me hurt sometimes. I just want to run forward and tell them how they can be happy, how they can change, how they can stop spiraling down. But that's not my job. I can't change them. It's not my life to live. We all have agency to make our own decisions despite the opinions our parents, siblings, peers, or coworkers.

And now it's become very personal. A friend who is blind to something everyone else can see. A friend who has put themselves in a dark place. And the saddest thing is they think that is happiness when everyone who loves them is crying inside at the loss of a wonderful and happy person.

But it's not up to me. It's not up to anyone else. It's up to them. And those people who are lost, those people who seem like they jumped off the cliff and will never get back up, those people still have hope. There's still light available to them, they just need to see it. I know people can change. I know that with my whole heart. I have seen miracles happen in the lives of so many people, people who seemed to be gone for good. But in all of those circumstances it was there decision. They all one day found God and decided to come back to Him.

I'm not saying not to comfort those that need it. I'm not saying to turn your back on the wounded or disregard the pain of another. Please be there. Please be kind. Please love. But don't think you can change them, because you can't. Only you can change yourself. Allow God to work in others lives, just as He has worked in yours. And if you don't believe that, then try to see it. I promise you His hand is there waiting.

I don't want to end with this sadness, so I'm going to talk about some joy. I know that God lives. I know that God loves. I know that He is always there, whether we like it or not. He will never stop trying to bring us back to Him. That is all He cares about. He doesn't care about our past, our mistakes and our missteps. Christ covered those for a reason- to bring us back home. This knowledge is he greatest joy I have, and it's enough to wipe away any sorrow.